Did you ever ask someone to do something and then find out that what the person actually did wasn't what you had asked for? How often do you have expectations of others, and then somehow, they fail to deliver on them? Your co-worker, your boss, your kids, your spouse...

When this happens, who do you typically blame? Well, if you're like most people your little voice inside your head says "them". It's much easier to blame others, but the truth is that the responsibility (along with the power and control) belongs to you.

When you and I communicate we do so from a particular point-of-view-our own. We don't realize it, but in the background, transparent to ourselves, we communicate with the assumption that the other person 'knows' what we are talking about. For example, if I ask a co-worker to have the XYZ Report complete and on my desk by next Monday morning and he or she accepts to do it, I should have the expectation that the report would be complete and on my desk Monday morning, right?

Well, fast forward to Monday morning-it's around 10am and the report is not on my desk. I go to my co-worker and ask for the report. He/she tells me that it's not quite complete and will be ready in about an hour. How would you react? What if you needed that report for a 10:30am meeting with your boss? Now what? Most people would probably get a bit frustrated, upset, and maybe even angry. How would you view your co-worker...trustworthy, count-on-able?

This occurs all the time, ever single day, yet we are not present to this distinction. We leave voice mail messages saying "call me back at your earliest convenience" and then expect a call right back. We send emails the same way. In meetings people take on action items without clearly defined timelines. At home, we ask for things to be done around the house, yet we get frustrated when they're not done when we expect them to be done or the way we want it done. Our wedding vows say 'love, honor and cherish...', but the details of putting the cap back on the toothpaste doesn't get communicated. If your little voice is stammering "what, do I have to spell it out for you every time?" the answer is yes. Clarifying expectations enhances communication and relationships.

A good rule of thumb is that when things don't go your way, i.e., when your requests and expectations are not being fulfilled, point your finger at your self first. Chances are something was missing, and usually what was missing is clarity. Remember, it's all in the details.

Leo Tonkin CEO/Distinctions, Incorporated





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